Single fathering

by Bronwyn Marquardt

Divorce or separation doesn’t mean you have to grow apart from your children.
In fact, with a little work, you can use this time to invest in your relationship with your children and make the connection stronger than ever.

Some helpful hints for newly single Dads include:

• Kids often show stress by being naughty, feeling sick, suffering headaches and tummy pain, having sleep problems or regressing. For example, a toddler may suddenly go back to needing a dummy or bottle; an older child may wet the bed; teens may start acting out and rebelling. Keep alert for these signs and deal with them. Talk to the child about his or her feelings, discuss your concerns with your Ex, and seek help from a professional if necessary. Organisations like Parentline are invaluable, or ask your GP or child’s teacher or carer for advice.

• Let your kids grieve – and don’t feel obliged to be the macho Dad all the time either. It’s okay for them to know you are sad, and you can use your own emotions as a stepping board to see how they are dealing with everything too.

• Be prepared for tears. Avoid saying things like: ‘Don’t cry’, when they’re upset, because that makes them feel they have to be strong and bottle up their feelings. Instead, reassure them. Give them a big cuddle and say something like: “It’s okay, you’re safe, I’m still here for you. I love you so much and I always will.” 

• Kids are hurt when parents ask questions, force them to be the middleman, or say horrible things about their other parent. Even if those things are true! Bear in mind your child probably idolizes Mum, and criticizing her will only hurt your child and increase your child’s sense of grief, loss and confusion. There are workshops for newly single parents to help with this, or consider mediation or joint counseling sessions.

• Be ready for questions – and lots of them! You don’t have to answer all of them in detail, but being honest and matter of fact is best.

• Make a truce with your Ex. Agree not to fight or snarl at each other in front of them no matter how hard it gets (you can do that privately, later.) It’s important you are united in front of the kids, and that they aren’t stressed by seeing you together.  

• Know that your kids will probably want you and Mum to get back together. Be prepared for pleading, begging and even manipulation. ‘Why can’t you stay together?’; ‘If you loved me you would stay’, and “If I’m good will you stay?’ Just be calm, firm, and reiterate that you understand how they feel and you’re there for them, but you and Mum can’t be together anymore. Above all, don’t let them harbour hopes you’ll get back together. You can say you’ve tried to work it out, but this is the only solution.

• Don’t let them think it’s their fault. Make sure you say: “It’s nothing to do with you, you are the best! It’s just something Mummy and I have to sort out, but we’ll always be your parents and we’ll still look after you.”

• Involve them in decision-making as much as possible. Ask them where they would like to live, how often they want to visit the other parent, what they want to do when you’re together?

• Talk to them often and renegotiate throughout the separation, divorce and beyond. Are they still happy with the arrangements, where do they want to spend Christmas, how are they feeling about everything?

• Make sure you stay their parent. Parents of older kids especially often get drawn in to revived youth, and find themselves becoming more like a best friend with their child than a parent – partying together, discussing love and life, sharing confidences. While that’s fine in theory, even older kids need boundaries and to respect the parent who is taking care of them.  – which is pretty hard if they see you getting trashed every night. And they are too young and inexperienced to be your therapist. See a professional for that, or talk to a friend over drinks.

• Agree with your Ex about discipline, food, friends and other rules. Ideally, the rules should be the same in each home so that kids can’t play you off against each other. When you have to discuss problems, make sure your Ex knows you’re concerned about the kids – not trying to pick a fight.

• If you can’t deal with drop-offs and pick-ups, choose a neutral spot to do it. Or perhaps someone trusted, like a grandparent, could handle it.

• Stay in close contact with your kids even when you’re not seeing each other all the time. When you’re apart, send little presents, postcards, emails and SMS messages. If you can afford it, invest in a web cam and computer – one for each of you. And if you hate talking to their Mum whenever you phone, perhaps buy them a cheap pre-paid mobile, so you can talk to each other whenever you want.

• There’s no need to be a Disneyland Dad. Many parents get caught in a trap of ‘making up’ for time apart with expensive toys, theme park trips, and holidays. What most kids love more than anything is your time and attention. Do normal things when you’re together – kick a ball around the garden, help them with homework, walk the dog, cook a meal together, take them to the park, see a movie (either at home or at the cinema), have one of their friends around for a play-date, visit the grandparents, tidy up the garden or do the grocery shopping and stop for a coffee, ice-cream or takeaway before you go home.

• Tell them you love them – often!

Bronwyn Marquardt is the author of Happily Ever Parted: Surviving Separation and Divorce (New Holland, RRP $19.95). www.dizzydaisy.com

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